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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28182948">coloured spaces</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/wdzcobi/pseuds/wdzcobi'>wdzcobi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Boyz (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Art School, Alternate Universe - College/University, Eventual Happy Ending, Friends With Benefits, Light Angst, M/M, art student jacob, business student hyunjae, colour interpretation, fashion student chanhee who makes a cameo, jacob centric, kevin and sunwoo art students as well</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:08:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,231</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28182948</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/wdzcobi/pseuds/wdzcobi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hyunjae invented new colours in his eyes and mixed shades in his smile, and Jacob was scared of ruining his mesmerising palette.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bae Joonyoung | Jacob/Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>78</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>coloured spaces</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello i am back on the damn milcob tag [looks away]. </p><p>this is my little baby and means a lot to me even though its not perfect at all. </p><p>QUICK DISCLAIMARS:<br/>- its based on the meaning of colours and how they are interpreted so i would suggest keeping that in mind whenever certain colours are mentioned.<br/>- i wanted to make a list of what colours represented but i also wanted to leave that for the reader. my only input is that blue = sadness.<br/>- this is edited as best as i can but im sure there are a few mistakes, so sorry! </p><p>PS. thank you liha for beta-ing and always encouraging me :( i love u and im sorry for not naming it space of colours and its side trust issues sauce mwah mwah &lt;3 </p><p>I hope you enjoy it!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>When Jacob was seven years old, his teacher asked him to draw the important people in his life. He contemplated drawing his family; his mother, father and older brother. Although Jacob was not bad at drawing, he opted to draw the important people to him differently. He opted with something more of how he </span>
  <em>
    <span>saw</span>
  </em>
  <span> them than how they looked. So, Jacob decided to draw a sunset. It was filled with oranges and yellows; colours he had looked at during his favourite family trips to the beach. For seven years old Jacob, that’s how he saw his family; sand between his toes, turquoise-blue ocean and the sun setting. It was easy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The more Jacob grew up the more he realised people did not only come into one’s life as a beautiful sunset. Jacob realised people came in all colours. Some people came in palettes of yellow traced with joy and friendship, laced with dishonesty and jealousy. Others came in pink and purple palettes carrying love and romance along with cruelty and arrogance. Those that came in shades of blue came with knowledge, trust and conservatism.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There are also those who he could not place in a palette. It was unfair to limit them to one palette, especially Lee Hyunjae. How could Jacob place Hyunjae in one palette when he invented new colours in his eyes and mixed shades in his smile. If Jacob was asked to paint Hyunjae, he would’ve included all shades possible. Although white is the presence of all colours, if Jacob attempted to mix together all the paints he could fit in his little studio, it would turn into a dark brown leaning towards black the more he mixed. He was yet to decide if the finished result was appropriate to Hyunjae.</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>+++</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob liked to stroke Hyunjae’s bare back as much as he liked to stroke his paintbrushes against a white canvas. The feeling of skin on his fingers was mesmerising. He would dip his index finger in between Hyunjae’s shoulder blades, relaxed muscles and chest moved steadily as he breathed in his slumber. The October sky was gloomy that morning, but Hyunjae’s skin was glowing like a summer morning. Jacob was used to Hyunjae’s toned body pinning him against the bed, or on the couch or wherever they wanted each other for the night. And as much as Jacob liked having Hyunjae in all those ways, he enjoyed having his sprawled body this way a tad bit more. He enjoyed basking in all of his glory without having Hyunjae’s eyes follow every touch he traced.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob also knew when Hyunjae was about to wake up and when to retreat his fingers, hiding them under the sheets and shifting to his left side of the bed. Jacob did not want to acknowledge that they had their designated side of his bed – it was too early in the morning; he had not had a coffee yet and this was not something unusual.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good morning,” Hyunjae rasped as he moved on to lay on his back. Jacob attentively watched him as he stretched his long limbs like a cat, nose scrunching as a result. “Your bed is so uncomfortable.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob rolled his eyes and pulled the sheets above his nose, eyes still following Hyunjae’s every move as he shifted an arm around Jacob’s waist beneath the sheets, head falling to the crook of Jacob’s neck. “Your bedroom is down the hall, you’re very welcome to sleep there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhm, my bed </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> nicer but it’s not the same,” he sighed, breath sending cold shivers down Jacob’s body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob made the effort to not say anything else, and Hyunjae never elaborated either. They both had come to the agreement that they would do this with certain conditions. To be truly transparent, it was mostly Jacob who drew the lines of whatever relationship was going on between them. He made sure that a perfect picture was painted to Hyunjae, filled with dos and don’ts. Dos include: </span>
  <em>
    <span>sex </span>
  </em>
  <span>and </span>
  <em>
    <span>get tested every few months</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And don’ts include: </span>
  <em>
    <span>no feelings, no feet fetish, and not asking Jacob to sleep in Hyunjae’s bed after they’re done (but Hyunjae can sleep on Jacob’s bed after </span>
  </em>
  <span>– this one was still confusing to Hyunjae).</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It had started in early August when the nights were warmer and longer. Jacob and Hyunjae had met through friends during a sports gathering in their first year of university, became friends and decided to live together since the start of the second year as most of their other friends had other living arrangements. Both of them had thought of it as a good idea as it saved them a little less on the living expenses and they got along well. To Jacob, Hyunjae was an ideal flatmate candidate as they did not study the same course. Hyunjae was in the Business and Accounting course, whilst Jacob opted for his childhood passion for Fine Art. Studying different courses meant that Jacob did not have to think about living and breathing near his competition; it meant Jacob could get a goodnight's sleep the night before his art projects were due instead of staying up all night dwelling over his paintings and questioning his career path. It was selfish of Jacob, but he had gone through it all of his first year having to live with Art Prodigy Kevin Moon, who ended up being one of his closest friends in university. However, comparing his creation to his friend’s and realising how basic his was way </span>
  <em>
    <span>worse</span>
  </em>
  <span>. So, when Jacob had broken the news to Kevin that he was moving out, he felt bad but he was doing it for his own sanity and whatever was left of his confidence in his art.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Hyunjae was a good flatmate. His deadlines were not the same as Jacob’s and his projects were about economy and taxation and not one ounce of art assignments that Jacob could compare to his own. It also helped that Hyunjae put down the toilet seat after him and cooked delicious and not-soggy ramen for Jacob whenever he saw him on the verge of tears with spots of paint on his cheeks and in his hair. These were all the bonus things that Jacob appreciated. He also never complained about sex, which was a fairly new activity between them. Hyunjae was good at it, pressed all the right buttons to push Jacob over the edge and Jacob welcomed the distraction that came with being fucked out of his mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A squeeze to his left hip brought Jacob back to Earth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s on your mind?” Hyunjae was looking at him through long lashes as he turned his head up, ears pressed on Jacob’s chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob is tempted to add another thing to their </span>
  <em>
    <span>don’ts </span>
  </em>
  <span>list.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Winter project,” Jacob sighed. He looked down at Hyunjae, pulled his arms free from the sheets and made an effort to get out of bed. Jacob spoke again whilst he put on his brief boxers and made his way to the bathroom. “Still have no idea what to do and it’s due just before Christmas break.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything you create is pretty,” Hyunjae called after him. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out by then.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob did not respond as he left his own room with Hyunjae on his bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <strong>+++</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>There were days when Jacob’s creativity flooded his whole little campus studio. His desk would be filled with sketches, ideas of mixed colours and patterns and everything in between. When other students looked at him, he would beam with happiness and imagination as his fingers moved around materials and brushes. Jacob was known as the quiet person in his friendship group, Kevin and Sunwoo being the loud and opinionated ones. Jacob went with the flow, always followed behind and observed as both of his course mates bickered in their own sections of the studio. But when his creativity struck, he was an innovator and a leader of his own art. He would create new ways and paths, achieving palettes and figures that left the art department in awe at every exhibition.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>However, today was not one of those days. He had spent a good six hours of his studio time moping on the floor, mixing so many colours until he ended up with a dark grey. He envied Kevin and Sunwoo who were already starting on their winter projects, first initial sketches pinned to their inspiration boards. It was mid-October and he still had nothing to begin with. Instead of spending more useless hours coming up with nothing, Jacob decided to rinse his brushes clean, pack away his material and call it a day. Both Kevin and Sunwoo had given him raised eyebrows as he bid them goodbye and made his way home. There was no point in forcing something when it was already a dead-end – Jacob had learned that the hard way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Jacob arrived back at the flat, he was greeted by Hyunjae in their kitchen that barely fit two people. There were containers of food piled on the counters as Hyunjae struggled to fit them into their little fridge. He had two balanced on his left forearm and one in his right hand that he attempted to push inside a shelf.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing?” Jacob’s voice startled Hyunjae and he barely managed to save the containers he was balancing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You scared me!” Hyunjae frowned at Jacob and returned to his mission at hand. “Come help me, mum dropped by and brought us kimchi and some meals.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your mum was here?” Jacob dropped his bag on a kitchen chair and made his way to Hyunjae. He took the two containers on his forearm as Hyunjae made space in the fridge.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae hummed in response, head deep in organising the containers. “She gets worried during wintertime because I get easily sick so she drops off food. Hope you don’t mind.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no,” Jacob shook his head. “Food is always appreciated.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob could not even begin to imagine what it must be like to have Hyunjae’s mother in their little flat. She probably noticed the dust on the floor, the spots of spilled milk on the counter and his ugly canvases in the living room that never made it to a previous assignment and that he dreaded to have in his own room to stare at. Jacob felt embarrassed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There, all done,” Hyunjae clapped his hands together as a way to congratulate himself on fitting the containers in the fridge. He took notice of Jacob’s wandering eyes on every little dirt he can spot in their kitchen. “Don’t worry about it, she scolded me for not cleaning but I told her we barely have the time to eat so she looked past it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The little laugh Hyunjae let out did little to nothing to ease Jacob’s thoughts. Jacob was not dirty; he was clean and always in order and made sure he took care of everything he touched. He had grown up in a strict household where first impressions and one’s image perceived by others mattered the most, he should’ve known better than to not clean after him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob felt sick for still having those habits engraved in him no matter how much he tried to distance himself from his childhood.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Honestly, Jacob, don’t worry,” Hyunjae spoke again as he made his way to the living room, Jacob following behind like a lost puppy. “Mum forgot all about it once she saw your art.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your mother saw my art?” Jacob questioned Hyunjae as they sat down on the couch. His eyes followed the left corner of the room where his canvases had been placed next to the little bookshelf. “Really?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, didn’t even bother to ask about my business idea presentation.” Hyunjae tried to sound bitter but it was quickly replaced by a little smile that mirrored Jacob’s.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob had never had an adult admire his art. Sure, he had his lecturers who were there for the sole purpose to judge his art but it was not the same as hearing it from a different perspective that did not review art for a living. Opinions of non-artists felt more sincere and raw to Jacob. Hyunjae’s mother complimenting his worst art (in his own humble opinion) brought a little motivation in his body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But just as quick as the little grin was forming on Jacob’s plump lips, it was wiped away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She really liked the portrait one,” Hyunjae explained, oblivious to Jacob’s face turning pale. “The one of the lady.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob looked at his piled canvases again, knowing exactly which one Hyunjae meant. It was the second to last canvas leaning against the wall, one of the biggest canvases he had painted on. Jacob could barely see it from where he was sitting on the couch but he knew it too well. Blue background filled with shadows of beige and grey to bring out the features of the face, colours of brown and white to shape the eyes into a piercing gaze and paints of blush pink to highlight the cheeks and lips. If one took a closer look at it, the flaws of the painting are more evident as it had been ruined by tear stains.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob did not even remember how he managed to get so much of it done when he could barely see half of what he painted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob could only manage to nod. He did not say anything because…what is there to say. Hyunjae and he did not have that kind of relationship either. Jacob was his own person with his secrets and burdens, and so was Hyunjae. It was unreasonable to explain anything to anyone. Besides, Hyunjae was never the one to question Jacob.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat in silence for a while. Jacob wondered why he still had not burned that canvas yet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>+++</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The end of October was as chilly as it sounded. Jacob had brought a small portable heater with him to the studio but he could still feel his feet freezing and his hands stiff around his pencils. It was nearing Halloween night and the art department was accordingly decorated with spider webs and little skulls and a skeleton that was in an oddly fashionable outfit (Jacob was pretty sure that was one of the fashion design student’s doing). Halloween was never Jacob’s favourite holiday growing up; he hated any form of horror even if it were fake, and his mother would always dress him and his older brother in matching and silly outfits that resulted in other kids making a joke out of him for weeks. Halloween nights during his childhood also meant his parents arguing over who would take the kids out for Trick or Treating as his father was holed up in his art studio and his mother worked the night shifts at the hospital. By the time Jacob turned eight years old, he understood to never ask his parents for Trick or Treating because he did not want to be one of the many reasons to start their arguments. So, Halloween nights were no different from any other regular nights but Jacob appreciated the decorations in the studio as it seemed to bring joy to the other students.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It surely brought joy to a certain </span>
  <em>
    <span>non-fine-art</span>
  </em>
  <span> student who was running around the studio with small, fake spiders. Jacob had no idea Hyunjae would end up at the studio today, chasing after a screaming Sunwoo, nonetheless. Hyunjae’s smile was wide and his giggles echoed in the room as his feet paced around Sunwoo who was attempting to hide behind a curtain to avoid the creepy looking spiders. Hyunjae was doing his best to poke his arms around the curtain shield Sunwoo had created around him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your boyfriend is a child,” Kevin spoke. He and Jacob sat on the floor surrounded by Jacob’s plenty of paints and canvases. Both of them had been watching Hyunjae’s antics and Sunwoo’s screams with smiles on their faces.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s not my boyfriend, how many times do I have to tell you that?” Jacob rolled his eyes without sparing Kevin a glance. Hyunjae was attempting to pull the curtain from the floor up now and Jacob was enjoying the view a lot more than he wanted to admit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, your fuck buddy.” Sarcasm rolled off Kevin’s tongue as he nudged Jacob with his shoulder. “A fuck buddy who brings you coffee and dinner and picks you up after studio sessions.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s because we live together,” Jacob reasoned as he glanced at the takeaway packages on the floor. It was Jacob’s favourite katsu restaurant that was ten minutes away from campus. Jacob was glad Sunwoo’s screams drowned out Kevin’s words. “Besides, we’re friends. Friends do that for each other.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span> “You don’t do that with me.” Kevin glared; eyebrows furrowed as a blond strand of fringe escapes from the rest of his black hair. Sunwoo had DIY dyed Kevin’s fringe one night after watching too many </span>
  <em>
    <span>TikToks</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I see you every day and we’re both working at the same time.” Jacob knew his argument was not one of his best but he was too distracted by Hyunjae finally pulling the curtain away from Sunwoo’s body and shoving his hands down his shirt, fake spiders crawling Sunwoo’s back as his screams echoed more. Hyunjae looked too pretty even when his laugh was clearly a result of his friend’s suffering.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You see Hyunjae every day, I’m sure you can survive not eating until you get home.” Jacob finally took his eyes away from Hyunjae. He gave Kevin a stern look. Kevin sighed, “Sorry, I just don’t get it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is there not to get?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob was pretty sure Sunwoo had tears in his eyes by the time he managed to get the spiders out of his shirt. He wanted to look in their direction and see for himself but Kevin looked too serious and he was not in the mood for an argument.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A lot,” Kevin shook his head, eyes locked on Jacob as he continued his speech. “Everyone practically knew he had a crush on you since Sunwoo introduced us to him in his first year. And suddenly you ditch me for him and now you’re fucking.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At that moment, Jacob regretted ever telling Kevin about his arrangement with Hyunjae. Jacob sighed, his voice pleading. “It’s nothing serious, please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does he know that?” Kevin questioned him; his voice hushed as Sunwoo’s whining calmed down. “I’m pretty sure he still likes you, and…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kevin did not have to finish his sentence without Jacob knowing where he was going with it. Jacob looked away, eyes drifting to Hyunjae as he hugged Sunwoo close to him in an attempt to apologise. Playful and sweet Hyunjae who deserved all forms of adoration.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s silent for a short moment before Jacob spoke up again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you think I’m using him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae, who definitely did not deserve someone as fucked up as Jacob to play with his feelings and steer him into colourless oblivion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think that, you know I don’t.” Kevin attempted to bring Jacob back from his train of thoughts as he reached his right hand to hold Jacob’s. He tried to softly speak, but it made no difference to Jacob how he formed his words. “But I’m not sure if it comes down to it, he knows that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob wished he was ignorant of Hyunjae’s feelings. He wished he knew that Hyunjae’s glances meant nothing of significance, nothing but sexual lust and yearning. He did not want to hurt Hyunjae but he was too selfish to stop himself. Jacob wanted to hold on to Hyunjae’s gaze and his soft touches and sweet kisses. If hurting Hyunjae’s feelings meant keeping his head above water, Jacob was selfish enough to not let go yet and face the deep ocean on his own. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob was a terrible person, and he did not need a reminder from anyone.</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>+++</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>“Happy Halloween.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please don’t say that when your dick is still in me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae was giggling between heavy breaths. He pulled out of Jacob and laid on his back. They were a mess; Hyunjae’s hair stuck out in every direction after having Jacob’s hands pull at it, his chest and neck bruised from all the warm kisses and bites Jacob loved to leave behind, and come stained on Jacob’s vest because they were in too much of a hurry for him to take off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae moved to lay next to Jacob, arms above his head as both of them caught their breath. Jacob had had a terrible day. He overslept and missed his 9 am class, spilled coffee all over his new sketchbook and his supervisor found out that Jacob had still not submitted his winter project idea for review even though it was due two days ago. So, instead of crying about how awful his day was, he made his way to the business department to find Hyunjae and drag him back home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae had been surrounded by a few of his course mates when Jacob had spotted him. He had hesitated to approach him and take him away from all the attention he was receiving with his smile, but Hyunjae’s eyes had already found Jacob before he could backtrack. Sometimes, Jacob wondered if it was Hyunjae’s second nature to just know when Jacob was in the same proximity as him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae was more than glad to be dragged back home, barely keeping his hands to himself on the bus ride and up the lift to their flat on the third floor. Jacob tried to feel a little less guilty by kissing him harder as he held on to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How did you get this?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob was startled by Hyunjae’s voice. He looked down to where Hyunjae’s gaze was focused. Hyunjae was caressing Jacob’s left hand, fingers tracing the scar that darted its way from the bottom of Jacob’s index finger down to the middle of his palm. Jacob was so used to seeing the scar that he barely acknowledged how out of place it might look to others.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When I was a kid,” Jacob answered. Hyunjae was never the one to prey on Jacob’s life, but he seemed unsatisfied with his response and waited for Jacob to elaborate. “It was an accident with my parents.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was the first time Jacob mentioned his parents to anyone at university.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Had it been an accident? Jacob could not answer that question. He was unsure if his memories played games on him or if he imagined what had happened that night. All Jacob knew from that night is certain people are just not meant to be together, and it was best to not force something no one was in control of.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At 10 years old, Jacob got his first life lesson engraved on his palm forever.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae had taken notice of the lost look on Jacob’s face, eyes moving from the faded scar to Jacob’s hazed eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, I didn’t mean to–”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no, it’s okay.” Jacob forcefully assured him as he pulled his hand back from Hyunjae’s hold. He pressed a smile to his lips and looked up at the white ceiling. “It’s whatever.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was not whatever, but answering the question meant unlocking parts of his memories he was not ready to face now or any time in the near future. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before Hyunjae could get any more out of Jacob, he was already sitting up and gathering his scattered clothes from the bed and floor. Jacob was aware Hyunjae was watching him build his wall back up as he moved around the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can sleep here if you want,” Hyunjae spoke softly. Both of them knew full well he was overstepping unfamiliar territories.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hyunjae…” Jacob hated to deny him. He hated how small he looked in his own bed, sheets pulled up to his mouth as if it created a shield against Jacob’s rejection.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I know,” Hyunjae tried to play it off as a joke. “Rule number three.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neither of them laughed. Jacob stood near the door frame of Hyunjae’s room, hands on the doorknob.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob looked at him properly. He looked beautiful with his messed up hair and flushed cheeks, nose high and pretty. The sliver of bare skin still glowed as a summer’s day even in chilly October. Hyunjae was everything Jacob was scared of having…scared of ruining.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob turned the lights off. “Goodnight, Hyunjae.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goodnight, Jacob.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That night, whilst Hyunjae was fast asleep in the room next door, it took Jacob an hour to sketch his winter project idea.</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>+++</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>The winter project did not have a concept. It was free for each student to create anything they wanted, as long as they had two art pieces submitted before Christmas break and in time to be displayed at the January exhibit. Jacob usually liked creativity and freedom as long as there was some sort of theme to follow. He was convinced that was the main reason why his creation was delayed as there were ideas upon ideas that he wanted to explore in his art.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob liked to think of himself as a realist. He saw situations and relationships as they were and prepared to conquer them appropriately. He never had high hopes for people, and never set a high standard of how people are either. He took every person as they come and accepted them accordingly as they put themselves to be. Jacob was never one to judge and tried to see the beauty and ugly in everything, even when disappointment regularly occurred. But he had been accustomed to disappointments at a young age so there is not much that can throw him off. Jacob rarely lost his momentum.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In those rare moments, Jacob is filled with something pleasantly unfamiliar and extraordinary. It came in the feeling of genuinely appreciating a finished piece of art, and the feeling of pride over his creations. Those promising moments held so much hope for Jacob, fleetingly capturing his attention and drifting him to a promised land he never dared to imagine. It often came with objects, but never with actual people.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Up until that one Wednesday afternoon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob had expected Hyunjae to greet him in the kitchen when he stepped into their flat. As the padlock buzzed behind him, he took notice of the extra pair of shoes on the shoe rack. Next to Hyunjae’s derby shoes, a pair of small, black heels were neatly placed. Jacob felt ridiculous for having bent down to get a close look at the feminine shoes. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Nope, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Jacob thought, </span>
  <em>
    <span>differently wouldn’t fit Hyunjae.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He did not have the time to inspect the shoes further before Hyunjae called his name. Jacob took his own shoes off and made his way to the kitchen, voices getting louder as he approached. He did not know what he was expecting – maybe a female friend or a coursemate to Hyunjae was over (even though Jacob was pretty sure he had met most of them). Jacob’s brain went into overload and completely stopped when he walked into the kitchen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae’s hand was being slapped away from a plate of gochujang chicken, hands mischievously attempting to steal the food being prepared. Jacob watched as the short woman glared up at Hyunjae, her profile practically identical to Hyunjae’s. High nose and thin lips stretched in a smile even though she was attempting to scold him. Jacob was quick to put two and two together, realisation hitting him as he watched the two of them bicker back and forth. They had still not taken any notice of Jacob awkwardly observing him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae always looked tall and broad and playful to Jacob, but in that moment he looked like a small kid who was happily annoying his mother for the sake of getting a reaction out of her. As warmth settled in Jacob’s stomach, he tried his best to not feel envy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jacob!” Hyunjae still had not realised that Jacob was in the kitchen with them, turning around and stopping himself from shouting Jacob’s name again. Hyunjae’s smile widened more as he took Jacob in. “Oh, you’re here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob was there, physically. In any other form than that, Jacob felt absent. Hyunjae’s mother had also turned around to look at him, her smile just as bright and beautiful as her son’s. He felt more ridiculous knowing how miserable he probably looked to them, ripped jeans stained with reds, hair stained with oranges and fingers every other rainbow shade possible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello,” His body moved automatically as he bowed down to greet them. His voice was barely audible as he stuttered over the one simple greeting. Hyunjae’s mother still had the same smile, head tilted to the side as she continued to look at Jacob.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jacob, this is my mum, Hyejin.” Hyunjae gladly stated the obvious, and Jacob bowed down again. He turned his mother as his hand reached in Jacob’s direction. “Mum, that’s Jacob.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob wanted to know why Hyunjae sounded so happy to introduce him to his mother.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nice to meet you, Jacob.” Hyejin still had the same warm smile on her face. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob was briefly grateful she had to turn her back to him, spatula back in her hands as she observed whatever was on the stove. He took his chance to glare at Hyunjae who was still grinning, eyes sparkling as he sent Jacob a wink.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hopefully, good things only.” He tried to playoff his nervousness sheepishly, his right hand rubbing the back of his neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry, it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> good things.” She assured him as she looked back at him with another big smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Does everyone in this family generate sunset colours when they smile?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Jacob thought bitterly. Before he could respond to whatever she meant, Jacob was dragged to his room by Hyunjae who told him to wash up with the promise of dinner being ready by the time he’s done. Jacob did not have the chance to scold Hyunjae for not telling him in advance about his mother’s visit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Jacob had returned with fresh clothes and a fresh face, he was welcomed by the little table in the living being filled with different dishes. Hyunjae and his mother sat on the floor facing each other with the table in between them. Hyunjae thanked his mother as she served him a plate of rice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob took a seat to Hyunjae’s right side. He was quickly handed a bowl of rice as well, and both of the boys thanked Hyejin for the meal. Jacob expected it to be an awkward meal because he was never the one to initiate conversation but it had gone smooth so far, with Hyunjae’s mother placing the occasional meat bites on his rice and him politely smiling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It didn’t take long for Hyejin to ask about the ins and outs of Jacob’s life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you have family in Seoul, Jacob?” Jacob shook his head; fully aware the conversation would end up being about his personal life. “Where do they live?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mum”, Hyunjae hissed. His mother gave him a confused look before returning her gaze to Jacob as she patiently waited for him to answer. Jacob could feel Hyunjae tensed up beside him as he avoided his gaze. Hyunjae was aware that he did not like to speak about his private life let alone his family, and Jacob appreciated the concern even though he practically had no choice but to answer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um,” Jacob spoke awkwardly after chewing his last bite. He put his steel chopsticks down. “My mother lives in Busan, and Dad is in New York.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“New York?” Hyunjae’s mother sounded impressed. Hyunjae’s cautious gaze roamed Jacob’s face for any sort of sign. Jacob did not know what sign he was searching for.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, he owns an art gallery.” Jacob’s tone was calm and nonchalant as if he was discussing the weather or his favourite bubble tea flavour.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, so the talent runs in the family!” She exclaimed. Jacob tried to forget that she had seen one of his most vulnerable creations. “Is your mother an artist as well?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no,” He shakes his head. “My mum is actually a doctor.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh! What an impressive family,” She nodded in approval. “Are you an only child then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob felt like he was in an interrogation room. Hyunjae was attentive to everything Jacob said as well. This was new information to Hyunjae as much as it was to his mother. Jacob started to feel dizzy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have an older brother,” He attempted to take a deep breath, heart racing by the second and his vision unfocused. He did not know why he was still speaking. “But he lives in New York as well.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you grew up in New York?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae reached for Jacob’s left hand under the table. His fingers traced the faint scar across Jacob’s palm. It was overwhelming; to have to speak about his family for the first time since he left home, opening up to a stranger he had met barely an hour ago, and having a gentle hand in his to ease the cracking sound of the walls he had built around him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No actually, I was born in Canada.” He did not need to elaborate more but his thoughts needed an escape before he did something stupid. “After my parents separated, my mother had custody of me and we moved back here whilst my dad and brother stayed in Canada but eventually moved to New York for work.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It felt as if his lungs were shrinking in his body. Hyejin looked to Jacob then back to her son, a pitiful glance shared between them. Jacob hated it. There was nothing to feel bad about, he had survived on his own so far.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He struggled to take another deep breath to calm himself, chest puffed and his breath came out trembling. Jacob focused his eyes on the bowl of rice, now empty and embellished by small paintings of gladiolus flowers. They were in different shades of purple, yellow and blush pink. Jacob concentrated on the shapes of the flowers and counted them all in his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>One, two, three, four, five purple ones</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His train of thoughts was interrupted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well,” Hyejin spoke again. Her smile was warm and he knew her questions were never intended to send Jacob into a panic mode. “I can tell they’ve raised a very talented and mannered young man.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob knew she meant well but he could not conceal the bitter chuckle that left his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I raised myself</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He did not say anything and decided to squeeze Hyunjae’s hand just to feel like he was still in the room; that he was not watching himself out of body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae held his hand just as tight. And Jacob could breathe again.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae had called a taxi for his mother after dinner. They had insisted that she had done enough for them for the evening and that they can manage the dishes on their own. Jacob bid her goodnight and Hyunjae walked her down to the taxi.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry about mum,” Hyunjae sheepishly apologized when he arrived back in the flat. They were crammed together in their little kitchen; Jacob washed the dishes and Hyunjae dried them with a towel.  “She can be intense.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s fine.” Jacob tried to seem relaxed as if the dinner events had not affected him at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not,” Hyunjae argued back as he took another clean plate from Jacob’s hands, slim fingers brushing against Jacob’s wet ones.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is,” Jacob insisted with a roll to the eyes. He hated how guilty Hyunjae looked and sounded so he bumped his shoulder playfully. “Besides, it was actually refreshing to talk to someone who is not a student or a lecturer.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae frowned, thick eyebrows knitted along pouty lips. “Is this your way of saying you’re tired of me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked the prettiest he had ever been and Jacob could not resist him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He leaned in to kiss the pout away before he could stop himself, his chapped lips on Hyunjae’s soft ones. And Hyunjae tenderly kissed him back.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob used to paint his family in the colours of the sunset. But somewhere along growing up and facing reality, the orange colours burned just like a flame and turned into ash grey.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was unfamiliar to see those same sunset colours in people again.</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>+++</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob tried to think nothing of the little kiss in the kitchen. It was silly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was not as if they had not kissed before. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hell</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Jacob could practically recall all the different ways Hyunjae kissed him if he put his mind to it. However, when they usually kiss…it would typically end with Hyunjae in between Jacob’s legs. But that night it did not go beyond that kiss. And Jacob might have wondered </span>
  <em>
    <span>why</span>
  </em>
  <span> a few times for the next week or so. Who could blame him when his mind was coming up with ridiculous reasons such as </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjae’s bored with me now </span>
  </em>
  <span>and </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjae’s not attracted to me anymore</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He knew he was being silly, </span>
  <em>
    <span>trust him</span>
  </em>
  <span>, because Hyunjae still could not keep his hands to himself on a daily basis. He would kiss Jacob when they were both rushing in and out of the bathroom in the morning, and when he would drop off food for Jacob in the studio in between his classes and when he would greet him at home after a long day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kissing someone for the pure reason of wanting to kiss them was unsettling to Jacob. It felt as if they were breaking an underlying rule.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nonetheless, Jacob did not bring it up to Hyunjae. There was something comforting about Hyunjae’s lips on his, soft and settled in all the right ways. He liked the feeling of serenity that came along with Hyunjae’s taste on his tongue and the tug of his lips that strung the chords of his core. In Hyunjae’s kisses and touches, unaware, Jacob started to assemble four walls and a roof.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob should have expected that his comfort would soon enough be snatched away from him, and he should have expected it to be due to his own doing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the third week of November, Jacob had completed the final sketch of his two art pieces. He had tested new techniques and blended new colours enough to create the final finish he wanted on his canvases. The sample canvases sat hidden beneath a sheet in his little part of the art studio, away from judging eyes. Jacob was never fond of displaying his art before it was complete, vulnerability of his art was never his strongest side. Both Sunwoo and Kevin had tried to sneak a peak and failed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae had saved him from fighting them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let him be,” He had dragged Sunwoo by his shirt collar and pushed Kevin aside with his hip. The two boys stepped away from Jacob who was holding on to his art like his whole existence depended on it, sheets swept the floor with his movements.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why does it feel like you’re here more than your own department?” Kevin rolled his eyes, bitter that </span>
  <em>
    <span>Prince Charming</span>
  </em>
  <span> showed up to save his damsel in distress.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hyung, that’s true,” Sunwoo agreed, his plump lips pouted as he fixed his shirt. “I’m pretty sure you’re failing your classes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob observed them in silence, hands still clenched on his art.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not failing,” Hyunjae flicked Sunwoo’s forehead. Maybe it will let out some of his dramatic brain cells. “Jacob barely eats when he’s holed up, so I brought food.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae handed Jacob the delivery bag with food; he could smell something spicy. A little smile made it to Jacob’s mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why do I not get food?” Sunwoo argued.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae rolled his eyes. “I always get enough for all of you to share.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, but when Jacob isn’t here you never come.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m busy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re busy every time Jacob isn’t here?” Kevin added.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Kevin,” Hyunjae insisted, glares practically impaled into Kevin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kevin did not stop at that though.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just say you’re only here because of your boyfriend–”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not his boyfriend.” Jacob interrupted them. Whatever humour he had several moments ago disappeared along with his smile. His voice sounded bleak and void. “Stop saying that, we’re just friends.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eyes had drifted to Jacob. He stood proud and unbothered by what he had said, indifferent to Kevin’s raised brow and Sunwoo’s pitiful look as he looked at Hyunjae. He did not need to look at Hyunjae to know gloom had glazed his pretty eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a brief moment, none of them uttered a word as they stood around each other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s right,” Hyunjae tried to smile it off but he was not as good at hiding his emotions as he thought he was. They all could see through him like broken glass. “I need to get back to class.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They knew that was a lie as well. He adjusted his backpack around his back and bid them goodbye. Jacob could feel the lump build up in his throat as he watched Hyunjae walk away, long legs and heavy shoulders quickly disappeared out of the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob hated when Hyunjae was painted in dark colours.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jacob hyung,” Sunwoo broke the silence as he looked at him in disappointment. It was not the first time Jacob had seen that look drawn in people’s eyes, but it hurt as much as the first time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sunwoo did not say more, and Jacob did not need him to say more. He already knew he ruined it. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ruined him</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When Jacob had made it home that night, the lights were still turned off and his voice echoed back when he called for Hyunjae. No response came back by the third time he called Hyunjae’s name, so he sat in the living room and waited for him. Jacob had fallen asleep somewhere along waiting for him and kept his eyes on his phone in case Hyunjae rang. He did not remember much besides the feeling of guilt in his stomach.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae did come back; at 1 in the morning, stumbling drunk with a half-finished bottle of plum soju in his hand. He had looked at Jacob who was startled awake as he called his name. Hyunjae did not respond as he shook his head and went to his own room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The slam of the door echoed in their flat and shook Jacob’s own hidden walls.</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>+++</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>The concept of being shut out was familiar to Jacob. Before Jacob had moved to university, he had his fair share of shut doors in his face, empty looks were thrown his way and distance talk that held little to no emotions. He was used to being avoided in his own home, his own mother worked more shifts at the hospital in order to not come home to him and smell of paint. Jacob was used to being alone and the loneliness that came with it, acquainted with silence and the sound of his own breathing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had always been prepared for being shut out, but by some means, Hyunjae shutting him out hurt and he was losing his mind </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> sleep trying to ignore the way his breath would halt in his throat and his lungs close up every time he heard Hyunjae leave in the morning and come back past 9 pm. It felt empty when there was no one to greet him </span>
  <em>
    <span>good morning</span>
  </em>
  <span> in the bathroom, or to bring him food to the studio, or to come home to, or simply to just </span>
  <em>
    <span>talk</span>
  </em>
  <span> to. Jacob felt strange and out of place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Frankly, and in Jacob’s humble opinion, whoever came up with the saying </span>
  <em>
    <span>you don’t know what you have until it’s gone</span>
  </em>
  <span> is an absolute dickhead. Jacob knew what he had and he had prepared himself for losing it, he just was not prepared for it to hurt so much.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could not take it any longer. He cannot sit through another sleepless night wondering how Hyunjae was doing, what Hyunjae was up to during his days and how his preparations for his end-of-semester exams were going. Jacob had planned for Hyunjae to keep him warm and sound in the cold December days, </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> sleep in an empty bed for nearly two weeks straight without someone to hold him and kiss him. Jacob’s thoughts sounded insane to him, which is why he never planned to voice them out. Instead, he kept them in the little four walls and a roof house he had built in his heart for Hyunjae. Hidden from prying eyes he was not ready to answer to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, Jacob did the only thing he </span>
  <em>
    <span>could </span>
  </em>
  <span>do. He waited for Hyunjae in the living room as he organised his thoughts and speech. He was going to confront Hyunjae and make sure that they go back to how they were.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>By 9:34 pm, he could hear the keypad buzz and the flat door open. Hyunjae had not noticed him in the living room as he took his shoes off, his briefcase in his hand. Jacob had not realised that he was holding his breath until he took a proper look at Hyunjae’s face. It felt as if he had not seen him in months, his eyes followed his every move. Hyunjae looked just as pretty and stunning as he always did. The grey under his eyes practically matched the suit he was wearing, and his brown hair was pushed back with few strands falling on his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked formal and tired. Jacob wanted to stand up and hold his hands but he was not sure if that had any significance to make Hyunjae look less miserable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Hyunjae had finally spotted Jacob watching him from the living room. He did not say anything else, eyes hollow as he looked at Jacob before he walked into the kitchen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob huffed and walked after him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How long are you going to ignore me for?” Jacob sounded anything but pleasant.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not ignoring you,” Hyunjae breathed out. He had reached for the fridge after he placed his briefcase on the kitchen table. He sounded exhausted and drained out of every last emotion in him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>So</span>
  </em>
  <span> unlike his usual bubbly voice adorned with giggles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to lie to me,” Jacob’s voice rose with every word without him realising.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine,” Hyunjae sighed and closed the fridge door without grabbing anything. He turned around to look at Jacob. “Now what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean now what?” He was frustrated. “Why are you ignoring me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae ran a hand through his hair. “Have a guess.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t wanna guess, Hyunjae.” Jacob took a step closer to him. “I want you to tell me like an adult.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Adult,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Hyunjae spat back. “Then you should stop pretending like you don’t know why.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob knew fully well what he was talking about. He knew it from Hyunjae’s behaviour, the touches, the glances and the kisses. Jacob had known it for a while actually, and yet he never considered how it could hurt Hyunjae. He knew Hyunjae’s feelings for him were breaching their agreement and crossing a red line he had perfectly and clearly drawn. Yet, he continued to use him to feel a little less empty and spiritless.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“God, I can’t do this anymore.” Hyunjae shook his head when he did not get an answer back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob knew he was an awful person, but he could not stop himself. He had gone astray all his life and he was too dependent on Hyunjae to guide him. He was that selfish.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae attempted to leave the kitchen and was stopped by Jacob’s hands pulling him back, lips sealed on his to prevent him from leaving. Even when he had ruined Hyunjae, he was not ready to let go yet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob kissed him hard as if to imprint the feeling of Hyunjae’s lips against him. He kissed the corners of his mouth and let his tongue taste every flavour of him. The flare of reds enough to leave their lips tingle and crave for more. Hyunjae was quick to pick him up by his thighs and wrap them around his hips as Jacob held on to him by the neck, hands finding their home in the nape of his neck, fingers tangled into his hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Soon enough, they were in Jacob’s room. Hyunjae’s trouser and jacket suit messily decorated the floor along with everything else Jacob was wearing. Whilst their kissing was frantic and dangerous in the kitchen, it turned slow and tender as soon as Jacob’s back hit his sheets with Hyunjae on top of him. Hyunjae kissed and touched him as if he was tattooing every curve of his lips and every dip in his back on his brain. His hands moved to Jacob’s, faded touches on the scar on his left hand. He pulled away enough to kiss the scar as if it were his last time to ever see it, joyless and dim eyes mirrored Jacob’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae fucked into him and touched him as if he was trying to remember every bit of Jacob. He kissed his neck and cheeks as if there were no tomorrow for them. Jacob had whispered </span>
  <em>
    <span>I missed you</span>
  </em>
  <span> in between gasps and breaths, but Hyunjae had not said it back. And when tears pooled at the corner of Jacob’s eyes, he buried his face into Hyunjae’s neck and blamed his heartache on no one but himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They had stopped at some point after both of them started seeing white. The ghost of a hand on Jacob’s hips was oddly absent. Hyunjae kept to himself on the left side of Jacob’s bed, sheets covered the skin just below his navel as he looked up at the ceiling. He was lost in his own world and Jacob knew not to interrupt him. He did not belong in that world, anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think we should stop.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A pause.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What.” It did not come out as a question from Jacob. He heard it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We should stop.” His chest rose as he breathed in and out. He sounded calm as if he had accepted something Jacob was unaware of.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob knew </span>
  <em>
    <span>why</span>
  </em>
  <span> but that was the only question he was able to form. He could feel the burning sensation behind his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m in love with you,” Hyunjae finally breathed out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob wanted to say that his world stopped moving, that the moon stopped illuminating through the window and that the air around them disappeared. However, this was real life…and no matter what came crashing down, the world continued on as if to be a reminder of how insignificant one can be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hyunjae,” He did not know what else to say but his name. His voice sounded lifeless and dejected.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am,” Hyunjae nodded to himself, eyes still glued on the ceiling. “I’m in love with you, and I don’t know what else I can do to make you feel the same way about me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At that moment, Jacob did not remember what colour symbolises love. All he could hear in Hyunjae’s voice was </span>
  <em>
    <span>blue, blue, blue</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob did not know what to say so he stayed silent, eyes glued to Hyunjae’s bare back as he sat up and reached for his clothes. His vision was blurry, clouded and grey. He thought he would feel numb, but it was the complete opposite. His ears were ringing. The sound of waves drowning his last breath was crushing and unbearable.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob had not only caused Hyunjae’s palette to turn blue. He had shattered his palette completely, broken pieces followed him out of Jacob’s room.</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>+++</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob had made a rule to not sleep in Hyunjae’s room. It was mostly for himself to not get attached to sleeping in someone else’s bed where he knew he did not belong. It was stupid. He never planned for his own bed to belong to someone else as well. So, how can he sleep in his own bed when every corner was painted in Hyunjae’s scent, and every pillow drew his sparkling eyes and pretty smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He decided to sleep in his room as little as he could for the first few days of Hyunjae’s confession. By sleeping he meant lying down and replaying Hyunjae’s words in his head over and over again until he passed out for a maximum of three hours. Nightmares were never an issue for Jacob but he seemed to be jolted awake every day as he attempted to breathe and ignore the taunting eyes in his unconscious state of mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the fifth day, Jacob gave up on sleeping in his room completely. He had gone home when everyone went home from the studio, packed a little backpack with clothes and a little throw that he found in the living room. It was not his, but he did not care. He needed something to keep him warm in the studio along with his little portable heater. Jacob got back to an empty studio with the lights turned off. He managed to convince the janitor to let him sleep there for the night, claiming he was on the verge of failing his module if he did not work in the studio. There were less than 10 days left to his submission and he was nowhere near being done with his second piece. So, technically, he did not lie that he needed to put in extra hours.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Besides, Jacob did busy himself with his creations. He would stay up until 1 in the morning to work on them, sleep until 4 am only to wake up and pack his little sleeping station away so no one would notice when the art department started to fill in just after sunrise, everyone busily finishing their projects and assignments. Luckily for him, the showers in the campus gym were open as well so he could sneak in there to shower and brush his teeth. Jacob lived a somewhat calm few days leading up to Christmas.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tried to not think about if Hyunjae had noticed that he had not slept at home for a few days now. He was dreading the thought of finishing his project and having to go back to the flat. Even the thought of maybe getting a sneaky glance at Hyunjae was dreadful because he knew he would just see a saddened person instead of the usually cheerful and lively one he knew. The thought of Hyunjae being sad made Jacob miserable so he avoided any thoughts of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had done a pretty good job so far, hands and thoughts focused on finishing the final touches of his art pieces. There were the occasional pitiful looks Kevin and Sunwoo sent his way from across the studio that he pretended to not notice to avoid talking about how a certain business student never came around anymore. Jacob would always plug his earphones in, listen to whatever sad music his playlist decided to punish him with and sniffle away the burning tears behind his eyes that were ready to spill at any given moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Two nights before submission was done, most people left the studio late. Kevin and Sunwoo were still there until they were the last three people remaining. Both of the boys had called it a night, Kevin packing his supply away as Sunwoo stretched beside him. They looked at Jacob expectedly but he did not budge.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you not leaving?” Kevin questioned him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am,” He lied. “You guys can go before me; I still need to finish some things.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sunwoo frowned just as the rest of the lights in the building started to turn off. He sent a doubtful look in Kevin’s way. “But the building is shutting in five minutes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, five minutes is all I need,” Jacob tried to smile but he was sure it looked odd and out of place, unmatched with his weary eyes. “You guys can go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They hesitantly agreed and left him alone in the studio. He sighed in relief, moved to put his supplies away and brought out his sleeping essentials. He changed into comfy joggers and a jumper, turned his heater one and used the blanket as a sleeping bag. The worst part was he had to use his backpack as his pillow. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s okay</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he told himself, </span>
  <em>
    <span>as long as I don’t have to sleep in my bed</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he was about to shut his eyes, footsteps were heard coming near the studio. Jacob wrote it off to be the janitor’s nightly walk routine around the building.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goodnight, Mr. Lee!” He looked at the door frame only to see two silhouettes instead of one. Before he could question them, the lights turned on and he was confronted with Kevin and Sunwoo with dumbstruck expressions on their faces.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jacob hyung,” Sunwoo’s voice was filled with sadness, bottom lip popped out as he rushed to sit next to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck,” Kevin made his way slowly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob was forced to sit up as Sunwoo brought him up by his shoulders, his own arms wrapped around Jacob warmly. Jacob would have slapped him but his hug was warm and comforting, and it had been days since he had last felt the touch of another human. Weirdly enough, he welcomed it and let Sunwoo wrap his legs around him as well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We waited for you outside but you never came,” Sunwoo tried to explain as his hands came up to brush Jacob’s hair. Jacob felt like he was the younger one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t think we’d find you sleeping here, not gonna lie,” Kevin added as he sat down in front of them. He was looking at Jacob in sympathy and sorrow like he was watching someone else other than his best friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hyunjae hyung said you haven’t been home in a while,” Sunwoo elaborated. </span>
  <em>
    <span>So he had noticed</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “He thought you were sleeping at ours. But you were here…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The drift away of Sunwoo’s voice tugged whatever heartstrings he had left. He made everyone around him miserable. He felt sick, still unable to say a word.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jacob,” Kevin reached over and pulled Jacob’s hand in his like he always does. Slender and comforting fingers. “What’s going on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing,” Jacob managed to speak after he swallowed, his tone of voice cracked and trembled. “I was just behind on my project and needed to be done on time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you slept here?” Kevin tried to sound understanding, but his voice still came out accusing. Jacob couldn’t blame him. He gripped his hand a little tighter. “Jacob…you don’t have to lie to us. We’re your friends.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob had gone days and days avoiding his friends. He had gone days avoiding eye contact and limiting their conversation to the bare minimum just so he did not have to face reality. Because once he did bring up what had happened, he knew he would lose all his friends as well. No one would want to be around a selfish person like him. No one would want to be around someone who used and abused their friend for the sake of feeling something other than voidness. No one would want to be around someone who ran away from their feelings in the wake of unsolved personal issues and insecurities.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob took one more look at his friends before he let himself go, tears slowly forming around his eyes as his face crumbled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hurt him,” He spoke between sniffs, gripped Kevin’s hand tighter and held on to Sunwoo’s forearm. “I hurt him really, really badly and I can’t stand to see him sad. It’s driving me crazy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who?” Sunwoo sounded confused. “Hyunjae hyung?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob had thought of his name a lot of times but hearing it out loud after so long made his chest ache.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not good for him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Jacob cried. He cried and cried and cried until his vision was blurry and his breath was choked up by his sobs. He cried until he saw all shades of Hyunjae overtake his sight until he reached the final shades of blue he had painted him with.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sunwoo and Kevin watched in silence as his sobs and tears continued, his words stuttering as he tried to tell them everything that had happened. Their little agreement, the rules they had practically broken, being aware of Hyunjae’s feelings and still using him. He told them everything up until Hyunjae’s confession. Jacob told them how there was no point in reciprocating those feelings when he was never going to be enough for sweet, gentle and loveable Hyunjae.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, Jacob did the only thing he knew how to do. He broke Hyunjae’s heart and watched as his palette dried out and broke. The little home he had built for Hyunjae in his heart was empty and soulless now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt ashamed because this was not the him they knew. They knew the Jacob that was sweet and creative and loved art more than anything else. They had never known there was this side to him as well; the side that broke hearts and felt heartbroken about it, the side that ruined people and disappointed and was selfish. They were not meant to see </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> Jacob, the Jacob that for once in his life loved someone more than he loved the feeling of paint on his fingers. He was hidden away behind skyscrapers around him but he could not hold it in anymore. He fucked up badly, and there was no coming up for air as everything tumbled down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob cried for hours as Sunwoo and Kevin switched turns on who would hold him. He cried until the sun had risen and a new day had started. He managed to control himself when Choi Chanhee, a fashion student, had walked into the studio at 6 am; he had given the three boys a confused look before grabbing large paper materials and apologising before leaving. Jacob was too miserable to feel even a sliver of embarrassment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sunwoo and Kevin dragged him to their flat before any more students would start to fill in the studio. They showered him, forced him to drink some healthy smoothie Sunwoo had made and put him to bed in Kevin’s room. Jacob did not know whether he was fast asleep due to finally sleeping on a bed or from all the crying he had done throughout the morning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he woke again that afternoon, both of the boys were waiting for him in their living room with lunch. They did not question him and smiled at him whilst he ate. He felt like crying again because he had expected them to never wanna be associated with him. But he held his tears back as he ate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt stupid for ever thinking they would leave his side when they have always been there for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That day, the three boys returned back to the studio for their last day before submission. On Jacob’s little corner in the studio, there was a little teddy bear and a post-it note attached to it, waiting for him on top of his paint cans. When he picked the beige teddy bear up, it looked homemade, as if someone had rushed to make it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The post-it note read: </span>
  <em>
    <span>Cheer up! / Chanhee :)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He tried his best to not completely break down but he would be lying if he said he did not let a few tears slip by. The bear was cute and his delusional mind immediately went to Hyunjae and how he would cradle Jacob like a big bear, keeping him warm and safe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He brought it closer to his chest to hug, and it somehow felt as if the little house he had built in his heart was warm for the first time in weeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>+++</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>The day of submission was hectic. There were final forms to be filled in with the head of the department, finding where each art piece was allocated in the department gallery and finding the right angle to display the art. Jacob’s mind had been into overdrive the whole morning, and he was forever grateful for Sunwoo and Kevin who had let him crash at their place to get enough sleep for the long day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The deadline for everything to be displayed and ready for the January exhibition was 2 pm. By 1:53 pm, Jacob had finished hanging up his pieces. He managed to create two canvases. For the first time in a while, Jacob did not have that lingering fear of his art being immediately judged by students when it was upon the white gallery walls. Jacob let himself be content with what he had created as it was representative of the current </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>, with all his lingering broken pieces and the hope of one day feeling better. It was of him and what he loved and who he loved.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Half an hour later, the gallery was emptied out with only Jacob, Kevin and Sunwoo left. They had viewed each other’s pieces and were now gathered around Jacob’s section of the gallery, close to the middle. They observed his art in silence, and he let them take it all in without explaining himself. There was not much to explain if he was being honest. He had laid everything out to be displayed and judged, and he was okay with that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kevin broke the silence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“God, no wonder he’s in love with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So true,” Sunwoo agreed. “If you painted me like that I’d be in love with you, too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob nudged them slightly, his ears and cheeks turning pink. He was not sure if those were compliments, but he accepted them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sunwoo and Kevin had expected him to come back to their flat that day as well, but Jacob told them it was time for him to go home and sort his life out. Probably sleep until January. They had hesitated to leave him alone when he was practically bawling his eyes out barely 48 hours ago, but he assured them that he was fine and he would call if something were to go wrong. But when they left, he stayed in the gallery. His gaze was fixated on his art as he prepared himself to most likely face Hyunjae as soon as he got home. After two hours of sitting in the empty gallery, he decided to go to Mr. Lee’s office and drop off a soda can he bought from a vending machine. Jacob thanked him for all the help he provided the past few days and bid him a happy holiday.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He returned to the gallery just as the main entrance door opened, large glass doors echoing in the free space as it shut. Jacob’s world spun around. He felt like he was in one of those spinning teacups at a funfair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae was in front of him at the opposite end of the gallery, heavy breaths leaving his mouth as if he had been running.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re still here,” Hyunjae sighed in relief. He walked to Jacob and they met in the middle. He did not know what the fuck was going on, and why pretty and stunning Lee Hyunjae was </span>
  <em>
    <span>here</span>
  </em>
  <span> of all places when he should be staying as far away from Jacob as he could.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am,” Jacob managed to speak after a few moments of silence. Hyunjae was in his formal suit, but his usual pushed back hair was falling on his tired eyes and his skin looked more dull than usual. The little droplets of guilt burned Jacob’s heart.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look tired,” Hyunjae was observing Jacob just as much as Jacob had done him. He felt small under his gaze, eyes moving from his face to his body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So do you,” Jacob tried to sound casual, like his heart was not in his throat and he could feel it thumping in his ears. “Business attire…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sounded fucking stupid and if he could burry himself right under this gallery, he would without any hesitation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae was confused before he looked down at his clothes. “Oh! Yea, I had my final oral exam.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smiled sheepishly and Jacob missed the tug of the corners of his mouth </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> much he could stand there and sob about it for 20 minutes. “Did it go well?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, I hope it did at least,” Their conversation was so casual and normal, as if they were picking off where they left off before that night. “Did you submit your project?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob nodded; his eyes still locked with his. If Hyunjae turned around slightly, he would see his art and all the vulnerability that came with it. Surprisingly enough, he did not mind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob lost count of how many minutes they stood in front of each other, embraced by the echoing silence in the gallery and the yearning gazes they shared. He was longing for Hyunjae’s touch, for his soft lips on his…but he was not allowed to feel any of these things. He could not be selfish again. Hyunjae was gentle and tender, he deserved to be cared for and adorned without any hesitation or uncertainty.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob was not sure if he could do that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae, on the other hand, was never one to shy away from difficult situations, always walking around with his heart on his sleeve even when it was all scratched and damaged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s this I hear about you not being good for me?” Hyunjae questioned him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob deadpanned, cheeks the colours of crimson. He really should have buried himself by now. “Who snitched?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Along with Sunwoo and Kevin.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Both,” Hyunjae looked at him with a small smile. He looked shy and beautiful. “Everyone’s worried about you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine,” Jacob was not wholly dishonest. “I’m an adult, I can handle myself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” He agreed with Jacob, nodded his head and pinched his eyebrows in deep thought. “I’m just saying it’s okay if you’re not feeling fine as well. You have us to lean on.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A bitter chuckle escaped his mouth whilst he shook his head. “That didn’t end up well with us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it didn’t.” Hyunjae did not deny it. “But still…doesn’t mean you should shut us out and deal with shit on your own.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob had only known how to deal with shit on his own. There was never someone to hold his hands through it or embrace him when the world felt like it was all against him. Jacob was forced to learn to never lean on anyone the hard way. And the one time he let himself be held and guided; he ruined that person without a second thought. It was mercenary, but the feeling of having someone to lean on was foreign and when he was presented with a guiding hand, he used and abused it as it was oddly comfortable to depend on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob could not put Hyunjae through that again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Besides, that wasn’t your fault. It’s all mine.” Hyunjae tried to smile it off as if his feelings were not wounded and bruised. “Can’t help it, you’re just too easy to fall in love with.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Whatever tears he had left were simmering up to escape Jacob’s eyes at any moment. He tried to hold them back by biting his lips but nothing was working. Nothing </span>
  <em>
    <span>could</span>
  </em>
  <span> work when Hyunjae was so upfront and honest about his words; when it sounded as if it were second nature for him to love Jacob.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t do this to you.” Jacob wept; the first slip of a tear ran down his cheek until he felt it on the corner of his mouth. “It’s not fair on you.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s not fair on me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That I’m not good enough for you.” He sounded so exhausted from his own mind and emotions. He was tired of everything he had held on back on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who says that?” Hyunjae’s back and forth were infuriating to Jacob. How could he now see what Jacob was trying to say to him?  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s all I’ve ever known my whole life,” Being upset and on the verge of exasperation had somehow stopped his tears. Yet, it did not stop his mouth from confessing his nightmares. “I’ll end up disappointing you. I’ll be someone you don’t want. I’ve heard that before. Hell, I’ve heard that from my own mother…but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to hear it from you. I’m not good enough for anyone, especially not you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a pause.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is this what it’s about?” Hyunjae finally asked. “Your family?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob wanted to stand his ground and deny it. He did not want to be ashamed of how he had grown up with parents who could not stand the sight of each other. He did not want to admit that his own mother avoided him because he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>too alike his father</span>
  </em>
  <span>, always holed up in their little worlds of arts and creativity. The thought of his mother’s disappointed stares when he chose to follow his father’s career paths were enough to make him stay away from everyone, always scared of getting too close in case he turned out to be the opposite of what they had perceived him to be. To this day, Jacob never blamed his mother for her behaviour. He understood that she had her own issues and that no matter how much he cared for her, he would never be enough to heal her from the scars his father had left.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At 18 years old, Jacob understood that no matter how much </span>
  <em>
    <span>he</span>
  </em>
  <span> loved someone, he was never enough to be loved back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, it is.” Jacob was tired of living in denial and shame. Hyunjae had seen the worst of him, anyway. “It’s always been them. I don’t wanna be like them. I don’t want you to like me now and leave me as soon as you see who I truly am. I can’t stand to make you sad, fuck, I can’t even guarantee you the happiness you are so worthy of.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae was flabbergasted by Jacob’s words, wide-eyed and open-mouthed. He looked as if Jacob had told him the Earth was actually flat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jacob,” He spoke determinately and moved his hands to hold Jacob’s, his touch possessed a reassuring familiarity. “You’re not this evil person you paint yourself to be.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae was still confused as to what had happened in Jacob’s life to come to all these ridiculous conclusions, but now was not the time to question him. Hyunjae had to set his mind at rest, a least as much as he could at the moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Relationships aren’t about being fair. People fall in love, and sometimes it’s easy and smooth, and sometimes it’s hell. And I can’t guarantee any of these to you either…the only thing I can assure you is I loved you yesterday, I love you today and I’ll love you tomorrow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And things might not always be dandy and butterflies with us, but you will always have me by your side. I want you to give us a chance to set our own pace and figure things out together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All Jacob had known before today was that he was never meant to be loved back, so why was Hyunjae putting his love and devotion in front of Jacob to be taken.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was overwhelming and </span>
  <em>
    <span>so, so</span>
  </em>
  <span> irresponsible for what Jacob’s heart could handle. However, Hyunjae was not done.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want you to let go of me.” His hands trembled in Jacob’s, eyes in search for a shred of hope.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob was never good with confessions and confrontations. Hyunjae’s words left him speechless as he searched his eyes for an ounce of regret or hesitation, but he found none.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob still had his insecurities and self-doubts. He still saw himself as a terrible person but he had never wanted to change that, always accepted the way he was as if it was his cursed destiny. But as he gazed into Hyunjae’s sincere eyes, Jacob wanted to do better. For himself and for Hyunjae’s sake.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, he asked Hyunjae the only thing he could ask. It was his way of showing his feelings to Hyunjae.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you wanna see my art pieces?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae hesitated, startled by the sudden question. He allowed himself a couple of deep breaths before he answered. “You never show your art to anyone before an exhibition.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Jacob voiced; he wanted to bring Hyunjae comfort the way he had him. “But you’re not just anyone.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob had guided Hyunjae to where his part of the exhibition was displayed. His canvases were fairly big, taking up a third of the white wall. The lights of the gallery were dim, and he could tell it was dark outside now. He wondered how long he had been in the gallery. Mr. Lee was probably sick of his shenanigans in the art department.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could tell Hyunjae knew which ones were Jacob’s pieces before they fully reached them. Hyunjae’s feet stopped midway, halted by the sudden view. Jacob tried to not feel vulnerable and small as Hyunjae took his art in. There was no point in holding back now when everything was out in the open. His pieces held all of his efforts, love and tears which were right in front of Hyunjae to observe and mesmerise. Jacob let his guard down, and Hyunjae stepped in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae’s gaze was caught with the most obvious one to him. The canvas was adorned with different shades of blue as a background, with a little hidden moon at the left corner. It looked as if the moon was watching over the main character of the painting. Jacob had drawn a bed in the middle of the canvas with a figure laid back on the mattress as white shades illuminated a sheet around him. At a closer look, you can make out the man on the bed. Bare, glowing skin painted in shades of beige and decorated with several shadows to sculpt the features of the delicate eyes, the sharp bridge of the nose and the small, pink lips. The man’s eyes could practically pierce a hole in your soul the more you stared at it, yet it was gentle and fragile as if it was a mere shield.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was breathtakingly beautiful and raw.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck.” Hyunjae was unable to look away from the painting as his legs finally moved closer to take a look.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob felt shy, moving quickly behind him to explain himself. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He probably thinks I’m a weirdo.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“We didn’t really have a specific topic but I wanted to focus on painting the feeling of familiarity.” He was speaking fast, stuttering over his words but Hyunjae was not really paying attention to him as he continued to gape at the painting.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you painted me?” Hyunjae finally looked back at him when he had registered what Jacob had set. He looked in awe, unable to hide his bashful smile. “I didn’t even think you liked me enough to stay friends, let alone </span>
  <em>
    <span>paint</span>
  </em>
  <span> me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea,” Jacob admitted. “I painted a person and a thing that brought me comfort in their familiarity.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob could see Hyunjae’s eyes glaze over, the way he bit his lips to hold himself back. Unable to say anything, Hyunjae looked away from the second painting.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob knew Hyunjae was tearing up due to his confessions, and he could tell that Hyunjae was not ready to talk about it. So, Jacob moved closer to him and put his hand at his lower back in an attempt to let Hyunjae know that he was by his side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They looked at the second painting in silence. Their eyes traced the paint surrounding the feminine hand, the shadows shaping the essence of fine lines. The feminine hand was open with the palms facing them, and the same hand was painted to hold a smaller hand which almost looked like a child’s. The smaller hand was familiar to both Jacob and Hyunjae, the obvious scar painted across the palm was enough to piece together the pieces. The hand belonged to the artist himself, but that was not the entrancing part of the painting. It was the way the scar had bloomed open with thorny weeds and what looked like roots of a tree. They did not only bloom in typical greens and browns, but there were also colours of yellows and reds and purples and every possible shade Jacob could fit in. He had opted for the painting to be in black and white, except for the part where it had bloomed.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae was absorbed in it, and Jacob did not wait for him to ask.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s my mother’s hand.” It felt as if Jacob had held his breath until that moment. “And mine, obviously.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s breathtaking.” Hyunjae managed to say. He reached for Jacob’s hand that was still rubbing circles on his lower back and held it in his, letting their fingers intertwine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For now, they silently decided to not disturb the peaceful moment shared between them. They held hands and admired Jacob’s art.</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>+++</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae and Jacob left the gallery eventually, their feet carrying them into the December coldness as they walked home. It was casual chatter between them of things they had missed out in each other’s lives the past few weeks, of Hyunjae complaining about how he had to have his oral exam with the lecturer that hated him the most and of Jacob telling him how a fashion student felt so bad for him they had made him a teddy bear. He left out the part where he cried because it reminded him of Hyunjae, but he promised to show it to him as soon as they got home and he emptied his backpack from all the sleeping essentials he had taken with him to the studio.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They had to walk up a steep hill to reach their street when Hyunjae brought up Christmas. Jacob had forgotten Christmas was around the corner, too caught up in his art and heartbreak for him to notice fairy lights adorning the trees on the streets and the smell of cinnamon around every bakery they passed by.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He should probably start thinking about what presents to get Kevin and Sunwoo…and Hyunjae as well. Jacob had a lot of real-life to catch up to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing for Christmas?” Hyunjae had tried to innocently ask, unaware that Jacob knew him well enough to know the way he was fidgeting with the sleeves of his jacket meant he wanted to say something more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably just be at home and die in my bed from this long year.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae used to hesitate before bringing up Jacob’s family, but after today’s events, it felt as if Jacob eased him in. He wanted to be in his space and know all the little ins and outs of his life. He was finally given permission to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not going back home for Christmas?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, a hospital is busier during Christmas, believe it or not.” Jacob laughed it off, avoiding the thought of all the lonely holidays he had to spend on his own.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae paused in the middle of the street which caused Jacob to stop and stare at him as well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you wanna go home with me for Christmas?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob gaped, eyes wide and searching. “You mean your family’s house?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, technically…we usually go to Jeju for Christmas.” Hyunjae reached for his hand, fingers caressing the scar on his left hand as he brought him closer to his chest. “Actually, mum said to not come back unless you’re with me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hyunjae,” Jacob giggled as he brought his free hand to stroke Hyunjae’s pink tinted cheeks. “How much does your mum know about us?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um,” He laughed sheepishly. “Well, she did have to listen to me cry over the phone about a certain someone for hours so…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob’s face dropped as his eyes turned into big apologetic pools. “I’m sorry for making you sad.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you are,” Hyunjae leaned closer to plant a kiss on his forehead. Both of them did not seem to care about the few odd stares they received from pedestrians who walked by. “But there is no point of dwelling on that now, and there are plenty of ways to make it up to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The suggestive wiggle of Hyunjae’s eyebrows made Jacob instantly slap his arm, his winter jacket muffling the sound of being hit. “Can you be serious for once?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I </span>
  <em>
    <span>am</span>
  </em>
  <span> serious!” Hyunjae protested, giggles followed him around as he stepped away from Jacob to save himself. “I meant you could make it up by coming to my parents’.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure, you did.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob missed him so much he could cry right there, in the middle of the street for Hyunjae and whoever walked by to watch.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He decided to spare himself and everyone else the embarrassment. He reached to lock his fingers with Hyunjae again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that a yes then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>+++</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob did spend Christmas with Hyunjae’s family in their little vacation house. Hyunjae’s mother was more than happy to see Jacob along with Hyunjae. He had also met Hyunjae’s dad and older sister, both just as chatty and friendly as Hyunjae and Hyejin. Jacob had expected it to be awkward but he was content and comfortable, even in the little bed he and Hyunjae had to share. He ate a lot, caught up on all the sleep he was deprived of due to his project and even went on several hikes to the beach. It was cold and snowy, but Hyunjae’s warm hand in his was enough to make him forget the snow frosts biting his cheeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was the first time in a while for Jacob to not spend Christmas alone. It was also the first time in years in which he had received gifts. Although he had bought Sunwoo, Kevin and Hyunjae's presents, he was not expecting anything back. So, when Sunwoo and Kevin had dropped by to give him his gifts (tickets to a light exhibition from Kevin, and a spa date for Jacob and Hyunjae from Sunwoo because </span>
  <em>
    <span>both of you need it</span>
  </em>
  <span>) the morning before they left for Jeju, Jacob had tried his best to hold back his tears. It was even harder to hold back his tears on Christmas day when he and Hyunjae had exchanged presents. Both of them had come to an agreement that Jacob was to gift his painting of Hyunjae to him as soon as the exhibition was over, but Jacob still did not want to be empty-handed on Christmas day so he had bought him matching socks and loads of sheet masks because </span>
  <em>
    <span>we need to preserve your pretty face</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Hyunjae’s gift on the other hand surprised Jacob as he opened the little jewellery box, wide-eyed as he looked back at Hyunjae.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you already proposing to me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, you idiot,” Hyunjae giggled as watched Jacob take the silver ring out, examining the way their initials were carved on the band. “It’s just, you know…a reminder that I’m always with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae was all blushed cheeks and ears, and Jacob could not even take the sight of him being shy before his vision blurred with his tears. He cried in Hyunjae’s arms until Hyejin came into the room thinking something bad had happened. She was immediately glaring at Hyunjae as if he had hurt Jacob which caused Hyunjae to yell in protest and Jacob bury his face further into Hyunjae’s neck to hide his embarrassment. Jacob seemed to let out his emotions quite a lot lately.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Christmas and New Years' had gone by too quickly for Jacob and Hyunjae’s liking. They wanted to spend more time going on food adventure dates to try out new restaurants, and hold hands whilst walking around the streets and come home to just lay around without having to worry about any responsibility. They wanted more of the kissing until they could not breathe anymore, and fucking until all they could see was white. Jacob wanted more of Hyunjae sleeping in his bed and vice versa. He wanted to wake up every day greeted by his pretty face and eyelashes on his cheeks as he ran his fingers ran down Hyunjae’s back, never wavering his touch away from his bare skin even after Hyunjae flutters his eyes open.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But soon enough, the holiday break was over and both of them were back to their normal university routine of attending classes, seeing each other during lunch break when Hyunjae dropped by with food and the new habits of Kevin and Sunwoo gagging every time they kissed each other goodbye. Jacob was also now friends with Chanhee, the fashion student who had made him the Hyunjae teddy bear (the name was for his own thoughts alone) out of comfort. Hyunjae would feel jealous every time he saw the little teddy on Jacob’s bed, eyes sent daggers as if the teddy were evil. Jacob had assured him that there was nothing going on with Chanhee, that they were friends who talked shit about their prospective boyfriends which earned him a pouty </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hey! I’m really nice actually</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Jacob could not deny the argument but he was still working on speaking his feelings, so he showed his agreement by kissing his lips which soon enough Hyunjae broke off because he could not stop giggling shyly, tinted glowing cheeks that Jacob could not resist to plant pecks on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The January exhibition had come back quickly, as well. The exhibition was scheduled to run for a week. The art gallery was filled with people the first few days and Jacob was showered with compliments, even from his highly prestigious lecturers who knit picked on every detail. Jacob was satisfied, but he was ready to get back in the studio and work on something new. He was ready for a new challenge and new perspectives. By the last day, the art gallery was fairly empty and Jacob had spent most of the day talking to Mr. Lee about what he was up to during Christmas. Whilst most students, including Sunwoo and Kevin, had gone home as they had opted to take down their art pieces tomorrow morning. Jacob, however, waited for the gallery to close so he could take his. It was about time for one of his pieces to go home to its rightful owner.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob had expected to get back to an empty gallery, but there was one person left. A woman was standing where his canvases were displayed for the last time in this gallery. He could not see her face, back turned to him as she continued to gaze at his art. She was petite, dressed in a black dress with small heels, her long hair maintained in a low ponytail. Jacob did not have to look at her to know who it was. He thought his eyes were deceiving him, probably playing a sick little game on him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could feel the beat of his heart ring in his ears as he stepped closer to her, enough to stand beside her. She did not look at him, eyes fixated on the colours of the blooming scar. Jacob took her in, watched the way her makeup was done perfectly as always and the way her eyes were so familiar, practically the same eyes that looked back at him in the mirror.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob did not remember the last time he had seen her. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Six months ago? A year ago? More? </span>
  </em>
  <span>His mind was clouded over.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mum,” He managed to stutter out. He wondered how saying one word left him anguish.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She finally looked at him. He expected harsh eyes to stare back at him like they always used to. Instead, he was faced with a gentle gaze, one which seemed exhausted and longed for something he could not decipher.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s beautiful.” Her voice came out soft and weak, something he had never associated with his mother.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob was taking it all in. It was a foreign feeling to be in the proximity of his mother, let alone have her gaze attached to his art and complimenting it. The commendation should have thrown him off as she was never one to admire art, especially not </span>
  <em>
    <span>his</span>
  </em>
  <span> art.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” Jacob did not know what else to say. He was having a hard time thinking, speech was not even close to being a priority in his mind right now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stood beside each other for a while without saying a word. She remained her eyes on his art and he let her, never once stepping forward to hide it like he used to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t come home for Christmas,” She spoke again.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was at…” Jacob was stunned that she had noticed. He tried to hide his surprise as he fumbled over his words. “I spent it with my boyfriend’s family.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“His name is Hyunjae, isn’t it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob was even more shocked that she knew his name. And then it clicked. This was probably his doing. How else would his mother know about this exhibition, let alone come.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He seems sweet,” The small smile on her lips looked out of place. “Caring.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob might have to deal with Hyunjae when he gets home, but he could not deny it. “He is.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They fell back into silence. Jacob would not consider it awkward but it was cautious, both of them afraid of saying the wrong words. They were stepping on fragile glass without realising that everything beneath their feet was already broken into pieces. There was no point in being careful when they did not have a foundation to stand on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few months ago, it would have shattered Jacob and left him in desolation to stitch his own wounds up. But as he stood there, he was learning to be okay with it. He cannot fix everything; he cannot repair his mother’s sorrow and blame himself for not being able to do it. He was learning to accept things as they were and take life day by day instead of living in his past. Jacob was finally letting go of the things he could not change and being okay with that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Moments passed before his mother spoke again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know you are your own person, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob still had a long way to go, but for now, he agreed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m trying to learn that at my own pace.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His thumb moved to the silver band adorning his left ring finger. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>+++</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob had found Hyunjae humming to himself in the kitchen, a spatula in hand as he turned the stove off. He did not wait for him to turn around before walking over and turning him around, his lips immediately finding Hyunjae’s. Hyunjae was startled before easing himself into Jacob, his lips kissing him back just as loving as his arms moved around to bring him closer by the waist. Jacob could feel their chests pressed against each other as he brought his hand to hold Hyunjae’s face, his cheeks warm and soft like the little house Jacob had built for him in his heart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob kissed Hyunjae just like the way he invented new colours in his eyes and mixed shades in his smile. Tonight, Hyunjae’s lips tasted of pastel pinks and purples which erupted with endless dimensions and affection with every kiss.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What was that for?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you.” Jacob breathed, lips still ghosting over Hyunjae’s. “I love you, and I’m sorry it took me so long to say it to you when you deserve to hear it every day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacob saw people in different coloured palettes. He had once broken Hyunjae’s palette, left it shattered and demolished with its bright colours abandoned and smothered by blues. Jacob still regretted it, but he could never go back to placing Hyunjae in one palette. His heart was too big to fit all the shades of reds, and his touch and kisses were too captivating to be limited to tones of pinks and violet. Hyunjae belonged in a spectrum of colours which ignited his distinctive chromatism and iridescences.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>+++ BONUS +++</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“My mum came to the gallery.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She did?” Hyunjae was surprised as much as he was nervous.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea,” Jacob was trying his best to not crack a smile. Teasing Hyunjae was a fun activity he enjoyed participating in whenever he could. “Weirdly enough, she somehow knew about you…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjae knew he was busted. His eyes turned apologetic as he hurried to explain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” Hyunjae pouted, hands still wrapped around Jacob’s waist. “I should’ve asked you about it. But she never got back to me so I assumed she wasn’t–”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay.” Jacob pecked his lips in between words. “How did you get a hold of her?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have my ways.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His ways meant the Internet. A quick search and Jacob’s mother would pop up. It helped that she was a well-known doctor who owned a clinic whilst working at the hospital as well. Hyunjae tried to hide how impressed he was by her as he left her a personal voice message on the clinic number. He had assumed he never heard back because the receptionist probably thought he was delusional or something along those lines.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading!!<br/>Please leave comments about your feelings and thoughts, any feedback is always appreciated.<br/>ALSO IF YOU PICKED UP ON CERTAIN COLOUR MEANINGS AND METAPHORS PLEASE LEAVE BELOW I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR THEM. </p><p>I do not know when, but i will be back on the milcob agenda again. </p><p>You can find me on twt <a href="https://twitter.com/wdzcobi">@wdzcobi</a> and on cc <a href="https://curiouscat.qa/wdzcobi">@wdzcobi</a> !! have a happy holiday and happy new year! &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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